mature. latin: maturus – timely or ripe. premature – untimely, not yet ripe. perhaps, a little green and still hard as a rock. what exactly indicates mature behavior? because i see a world full of “adults” throwing tantrums on a geopolitical scale. which one of us is grading the test?
the definition of premature ejaculation is just as ridiculous a rubric: when semen leaving the body happens sooner than a person or their partner would like during sex.
no wonder we’re all out here pathologizing ourselves. if we earned a new diagnosis every time our bodies acted beyond our control, we’d be racking up conditions quicker than interest charges in late-stage capitalism.
listen here jackoff, who said i had to want to ejaculate during sex? (…and a handful of other rhetorical inquiries that poke holes in the mature vs. premature distinction.)
to localize dysfunction to the genitals is like blaming your ears for not liking the music. sometimes the band sucks. sometimes the ambiance is bad. sometimes your nervous system is so frayed that going out and listening to a concert nearly gives you a panic attack rather than an experience of pleasure.
i’ve cum many times before i ‘wanted’. sometimes, i couldn’t cum as hard as i tried. when i reflect on a few of the data points, there’s often an issue of safety at play. usually, i was moving quicker than the speed of trust. that is, for my own body. for my own timing. for what i’ve learned that i need to feel physically, emotionally, mentally safe in a sexual situation.
that and i’ve watched a lot of porn over the years. have i desensitized myself in some way from decades of digital copulation? it seems likely, especially in the sense of understanding the cues of my body, my partner’s body, and my own personal rate of intimate development. not to mention the sexual mythology i’ve manufactured – one that usually culminates with a massive cock expelling semen onto a woman’s face.
coming to the title track of this piece.
first of all, i believe group sex can be a beautiful, grounded, expansive experience when executed in an intentional manner. if you’ve gathered from my above pretext… i’m not one for ‘fucking.’ paradoxically, i can generally only ‘fuck’ when i’ve been with a long-term partner for quite some time.
group sex is also complex when executed in an intentional manner. there are a lot of moving parts. literally. individuals need to be cared for. partnerships need to be cared for. bodies and boundaries need be honored and respected. when the rules of the game are clear is when there can be fun and freedom.
the orgy manifesto is a different piece of writing. we’re here to talk about whether or not one of my orgasms was untimely.
here’s the short version: it was Boxing Day 2022. a completely irrelevant but somehow comical detail. a couple from a dating app came to our house to have sex. we talked, sipped some wine, showed off our less visible tattoos, and found a bunch of awkward ways to transition from strangers to sexual partners, including playing Truth or Dare off a phone app… which effectively landed my fingers in another woman’s (not my partner’s) pussy.
from there it was off to the races. all within a matter of minutes, someone (not me) took a Viagra, snapped a few videos for ‘content generation’ purposes, and in a torrent of bisexual fervor, i came with my cock in another man’s mouth. a first for both of us.
beyond the cum from my dick, something intangible was sucked out of the room in that moment. it’s whatever that thing was that i’m attempting to explore here. i had some shame for my timing. others had judgment. we all managed to limp back into the experience but that seemed to be an extension of the issue that manifested the overstimulation in the first place. i overrode myself. someone else overrode the boundaries of the situation by taking prescription drugs without telling anyone. there was misalignment between us when it came to desires and expectations.
in this light, the timing of ejaculation was just information from my body that i didn’t feel safe. that i was beating against the current of my own eroticism. clearly, i was turned on… but if i wasn’t ready to cum and i did, then it’s because i wasn’t honoring the way my body wanted to express in that moment. where was there physical dysfunction here? my body was functioning at its own rhythym and merely giving me feedback that i chose to ignore due to a flood of sensual information.
my body knew to slow down before i did. even though i was embarrassed in the moment, to have my needs and desires so exposed… in retrospect, it all seems like proper functioning to me.
it’s a weird sensation to not feel safe inside your own fantasy. when some part of you wants to push the pause button but another part is in your ear telling you that this is something that you’ve always wanted. not to mention the courage and discipline it takes to slow the sexual momentum of other people involved in a dynamic that may or may not be operating under the same erotic blueprint.
there’s some quote out there that talks about war being a failure of communication. i think part of me feels like sometimes in highly stimulating situations, i’m at war with myself. that war is often a failure on my part to attune to myself, the needs of my nervous system, and an overriding borne from a desire to please others before myself.
perhaps, premature is an appropriate way to frame the situation after all. premature in the sense that i have not yet learned to adhere to my own boundaries, timing, and pleasure. granted, foursomes are an extreme situation. like learning to play a double-necked guitar in front of a live audience. but intense situations are a great way to measure the hardiness of a nervous system. and if anything, they make routine situations feel more routine. if i could make the commitment to listen to my body, to trust my pacing, and to believe that when my desires are honored it serves everyone involved, that would be an expression of maturity worth living into.
TL;DR the good news is it turns out i’m always cumming right on time.