May 28^th, 2016:

“it happened yesterday when the full force of…gravity…weight…Saturn…a lifetime of choices and experiences… Harvey’s Death… and quitting my job without notice… SQUASHED me.

sat on me unyielding until i sobbed in total collapse…

i mean fetal position, stomach clutching, can’t breathe type of sobbing… a complete surrender to my emotional body.

i’m not sure i have ever cried like that in my adult life… not even with Bob…

i cried a lot with Bob, but i also thought a lot about crying… trapping it somewhere to fester.

i thought a lot about my emotions and what it meant for him to really be gone.

i did the Aquarian thing—thinking. believing that if i could just throw enough rational thought at my pain, it would help ease it.

but i know better… i tell others all the time—feel your feelings, its ok to feel, it’s good for you.

my Aquarius moon recognizes that as a rational truth, yet fumbles with the personal execution of it… that’s messy and hard, let’s stay in this safe head space…

i’m ok, i have to be ok. the world keeps moving and so must I.

If I just keep moving maybe it won’t catch up with me…

so, i “chose” haha choice…perhaps it was more like the universe commanded it of me. whatever the case, i let myself feel the loss of Harvey and to really feel every hurt i’d ever had.

the universe ripped me wide open and squeezed my soul like a long overdue zit.

thank you, Saturn and Pluto… fuck you, and thank you!

pealing myself off the kitchen floor, clutching my tear and snot-soaked paper towel i grabbed what was left of my smudge stick and went outside to do magic.

i rolled up my herbs in the grief soiled tissue and proceeded to burn it…

it was very wet and it took a great deal of effort and time… like all big wounds do.

as it slowly burned, i sent all my love and good will to everyone and everything in the universe, my thanks and gratitude and hope…

i talked to Bob for a long time while i did, and Harvey, and Tractor, and Spud, and Zippy… and i sobbed some more while i talked to them…

i told them how much i loved them, how much i missed them… but mostly i told them how much i needed them, in the past and right then and forever…

and as i smashed my thumb roughly against the lighter to keep the paper towel burning i let go of my anger and rage and hate…

like throwing maggots on a flesh wound, to devour the dead, the decaying, the rotten… trying to create space and let the peace of the sunshine replace it…

knowing that new skin, healthy skin, would grow back there…eventually.”

by: rae of f*cking sunshine @rae.creational.wyrding

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